Okay, I have to admit. I have a co dependent personality. Of
course, I’ve always prided myself on being self-sufficient and independent.
However, my relationships were telling me otherwise. For some odd reason, I
kept attracting the same types of people into my life: users, manipulators, and
takers. I had to ask myself, is the world a bad place? Of course, the answer to
that question is no. The sad truth of the matter is that I was in a bad place.
I was attracting these people into my life to help me heal and get better, but
I simply wasn’t strong enough, or conscious enough to understand the lesson the
Universe was given me. So I decided to write down a seven-step process that
helped me heal, with the intentions of helping others.
1.
Understand Co-dependency.
Before I start to write any blog or create a video. I do
research on the Internet. I wanted to find a no nonsense, actionable plan that
could help people recover from this debilitating personality disorder. I came across Melody Beattie’s book, Co Dependent No More, and was blown away
by her courage and resiliency. Here was a woman who had overcome alcoholism,
drug addiction, and sexual abuse, and had lived to talk about it. I was truly
inspired and decided that I wanted to share some of my own insights about
overcoming codependency. I believe that codependency is more than just being an
enabler, or someone with low self-esteem. It’s really a disorder that stems
from the lack of power.
2.
C- dependency is the result of unresolved trauma
and grief.
My mother became ill when I was very young. She suffered
from a mental disorder that carried an embarrassing stigma. In six months, my
life transformed, where I was whisked away and forced to live with my extended
family. Grief and trauma are overwhelming for children. They simply don’t have
the mental capacity to deal with those kinds of intense emotions. So as a
coping mechanism, the mind buries the trauma in the unconscious mind, thus
saving the pain and trauma for later. This is perhaps why many people start to
experience mental illness such as depression and anxiety in their early
twenties. The trauma and pain can no longer be suppressed, so the body gets
sick, to make an attempt to heal.
3.
Co-dependency is a matter of conditioning.
I can’t stand it when people say” she doesn’t love herself?”
What does that mean?
Then, I would get pissed off and wonder why people would be so bold and
heartless as to take advantage of someone in their most vulnerable state. You
see co-dependency is a kind of conditioning that starts when we are younger.
People who suffer from co-dependency tend to grow up in dysfunctional families
where they were abused and or neglected. In these types of situations they have
to work hard to compete for limited resources. Of course, these resources
include love, nurturing, and attention. So people get into the deadly habit of making
sacrifices to please others, because that’s the only way they know how to get
love. This is especially true with women who are typecast as easy, or being a
hoe. These women sacrifice themselves every time they sleep with a strange man.
Sadly, they can’t stop; because that’s the only way they know how to get love.
4.
Co-dependency is a bad habit that you have to
break.
Yes, like smoking, gambling, and eating junk food. Co-dependency
is an addiction that is slowly killing you.
This happens because everything in nature works on exchanges. We have
the national and international commerce system, we trade money for time, and we
trade oxygen for carbon, so on and so forth. So when you don’t make proper
exchanges, you lose. You not only lose self-respect and diminish your sense of
self worth. You lose the personal power that is needed for you to change, heal,
and even manifest great things.
5.
Co-dependents need to stop being delusional.
The hardest thing in the world is to realize that everything
that you ever believed about yourself was an illusion. However, the re-awakening is a painful—yet
necessary part of the healing process. Throughout most of my life, I truly
believed that I was being nice. Then, I realized that there is no such thing as
being nice. Niceness is an illusion. Co-dependents need to understand that people
are goal oriented. It is just their nature. Furthermore, they have to
understand that people will do whatever they can to get their needs met. So
when you begin a relationship and you start being nice, you tell people that
they can get their needs met without having to make the proper exchanges. This
results in lopsided relationships, where the co-dependent ends up feeling
drained, and used.
Now, there is a such thing as being kind. However, kindness
is only reserved for those who are in a position to be kind. These people give,
and are totally detached from the outcome.
6.
Co-dependents can’t control what’s out of
control.
Co-dependents tend to be delusional. They create pictures of
who they believe people are in their heads, and then expect other people to
live up to their unrealistic expectations.
Co-dependents simply can’t accept people for who and what they are,
simply because they don’t know who they are. They never took the time to get to
know them. So they compare their spouse
to the delusional prototype in their heads. Of course, she can never measure
up. So a co-dependent will control everything down to her spouse’s final breath
to ensure that he is living up to her ridiculously high standards. Of course, the co-dependent is never
satisfied, and the more her spouse gives, the more she wants. This is madness!
People are flawed. They make mistakes. Deal with it.
7.
Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want.
Co dependents tend to have issues with boundaries. They
simply will choose to stay silent because they don’t want to upset anyone. In
truth, co-dependents don’t want to upset people because they are fearful of
losing the relationship, and the love that they get from it. So people, being
people, will try and take more and more and more. The co-dependent copes by burying
her head into the sand, choosing to believe that everyone engages in such
dysfunctional behaviors. All men cheat, all children talk back to their
parents, all bosses expect their employees to work for free. We allow these
things to happen because we are afraid. So, we need to confront the things that
we are most afraid of. I know, the process is scary at first, but after a
while, you’ll get the hang of it.
Key to overcoming co-dependency
The key to overcoming co dependency is not about loving
yourself. Besides, I don’t even know what that means. The key to recovery is
understanding your personal power, and that everything in life works based on
exchanges. Recovery is about getting real with yourself, letting go of
illusions. Stop trying to get people to like you, because in the end, you have
no control over how they think and what they feel. Instead, focus on yourself,
build a strong foundation where you can confront your fears and gain the
courage to ask for the things that you desire most. This is the best
way to recover from co-dependency.
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